Transition.

Per the excellent advice of my dear friend Steph, I am taking this opportunity to flesh out my thoughts and feelings regarding this particular stage of my life. This is raw honesty, so I completely understand if you wish to move right along to the next exciting item that comes across your newsfeed. J Otherwise, feel free to read right along!

Transition. Sometimes it flat stinks.

As many of you know, I just recently finished my Masters degree this past July and have been seeking God’s next step for my life. With seemingly little to show for it, my search has come back empty time and time again. Every time someone asks how the job hunt is going, I feel the weight of having no idea what my future holds. (I genuinely appreciate all interest in what I am up to in my life! This is just honesty time. Also, joking about staying in Wichita makes me want to pull my hair out…just so everyone is clear! I know no one means any harm by it, it just feels like added weight for a girl who is already feeling so burdened.) Now, I know in the absolute depths of my heart and soul that God has got this. I know His will and His timing are divine and completely perfect; however, this does not mean my human self does not get frustrated or wonder what in the world is going on.

This all really came to a head for me last week when a job I had been pursuing told me they were going to go in a different direction. I am a dreamer by nature, and I put my whole heart and soul into whatever it is that I am chasing after. I often get swept up in the endless possibilities and let the ever-present realities slip out of my scope. Oftentimes, this ends up leaving me utterly heartbroken and disappointed. This, dear friends, is exactly what happened when I received the email telling me my experience was not quite what they were after. This job seemed like such a perfect opportunity for me, and I knew that it could open so many other doors. The rejection was such a crushing blow, and I did not even realize it would have the impact it did. This past weekend is the lowest I have felt in such a long time, but it made me deal with my own expectations in light of eternity. It is so easy to get wrapped up in chasing the dream that I forget about the One who gives me the dreams and desires. I know with all my heart that God has called me to something much higher than myself, and it’s not for me, but for Him. My degree will serve me in more ways than I could ever imagine, and even though I cannot see all the colors on the canvas, I trust the One who holds the brush. Yes, I am discouraged. Yes, I feel the weight of not having any clue as to where to go or where to look, but I will rest in the One who has always held me.

In this difficult time, I am blown away by the support I have standing with me, beside me, and behind me. Everyone says they have the best friends, but I am 100% confident that I really and truly do. I am so appreciative of being allowed to be a human who hurts and bleeds just like everyone else. Pain and frustration are very real, and I am thankful for the opportunity to work through every emotion and thought that comes with the ups and downs of life. Now, please don’t take this blog as a sympathy plea. I really debated about even posting this for everyone’s eyes, but as someone who believes in therapeutic release (thanks, counseling degree!), I needed this. I will be okay, and I know there are so many bigger fish out there to fry. This is just the current mountain staring me in the face.

This past week, God has really been reminding me to seek Him first and pursue Him with all that I am and all that I have. Jesus speaks to this in Matthew: “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:33, ESV). Even when I can’t see the light or the end to this winding road, I know God is right there…when the path gets rocky, when I can’t find my footing, when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. He is and will always be all I need. I know He is preparing something, but I would just ask that you pray with me for patience and rest. While I know all these things, I am only human, and my humanity has been in full force these last few days. God’s patience and grace never ceases to amaze me, even when I have hit empty.

So, if you want to know how the job hunt is going, it’s rocky. However, I am going to continually chase after the One who has my whole life mapped out. He will continue to reveal in His timing, and above all, I know He will continue to be faithful. No matter how many times I lay at His feet broken, defeated, and crushed, He will always be faithful.

Per the advice of another dear friend, I have been listening to Thirst by Phil Wickham on repeat. Maybe you’re like me and need to be reminded of a God who completely satisfies:

“Wash over me like a tidal wave

Clean out what pulls me to the grave

Nothing left that You don’t love

Take me where Your river flows

Heal the desert in my soul

Let it wash over my feet

All I’m asking for is just a drink

I thirst for You

Yes my soul it thirsts for You

Even as the deer is panting for the stream

Even while my soul is thirsty

I thirst for You”

Thanks for letting me ramble.

In Him,

Em