Therapeutic Rambling One Last Time

I cannot believe it has been over a year since I last posted on this blog. Life has kept rolling right on by, and so much has changed.

For those who do not know, I am now fortunate enough to get the opportunity to minister to a group of teenage girls on a very regular basis (considering I live right above them). I took a position at a Teen Challenge here in Kansas back in August, and it has honestly been such a God-ordained move. For so long I fought God on the call I knew He was giving me. You see, I did not want to do residential treatment because I wanted my own life. Working as much as I do does not really grant much time for dating (no, I am not seeing anyone), friends, or any other such activities. While I do get some social time, I live a very taxing life.

But this ministry has taught me something so unbelievably valuable - the beauty of being on my knees.

I struggle with perfectionism and have for a very long time. I want to get it done and get it done right the first time. In every job I've ever had, I have caught on very quickly. However, people are not an antiquated formula. They do not always possess logic or rationale. We, as humans, are filled with emotion and impulse. We rely on feeling instead of intellect and face the consequence of acting without thought. However, it is a beautiful gift to be able to invest in the lives of teenage girls and to pray for the wisdom and grace to help them discover their best selves. My counseling degree is in full force as I watch young women learn what it means to not only see Christ but choose him. The beauty of working for a Christian organization is that it allows me to point my kids entirely back to Christ. It has also taught me how much I've relied on myself throughout the years. Ministry has given me a whole new lens to see the world through, and that is the lens of true dependence on Christ. I have been a Christ-follower for most of my life, but it is in this season that I am seeing just how much I truly need him. Everything has come relatively easy, and working with people is anything but that. Perfectionism goes right out the window when dealing with imperfect people (including myself). But grace abounds all the more. Though this has been the most taxing job I have ever had, it has also been the most rewarding. I have watched young ladies choose Jesus (in fact, I got to lead one in a salvation prayer!!) and struggle with what it means to accept. I have laughed, and I have cried, but more importantly, I've seen small glimpses of the love our Savior has for each and every one of us. I am reminded of my own humanity and how fortunate I am to be covered in grace. No matter how many times I fall, God always has and always will pick me back up. I am learning more now than I ever thought possible, and that is a gift I will treasure for the rest of my life.

I am honestly not sure how often I will continue to use this blog as it feels like this chapter of my life has now come to a close. I will, however, continue to follow the pages God has penned for me. For those who have walked this journey with me (whether through word or in person), thank you. I am sure I will continue to find ways to share my thoughts with the world. But for now, I think my passionate ramblings on this particular site must come to an end. For every open ear and heart, thank you. You all mean more than you will ever know.

In Christ,
Em

Chase the Caller

As mentioned in my previous post, this has been quite the interesting season. I have had moments of doubt, frustration, anxiety, worry...you name it, I have probably felt it at some point over the last several months. However, God has once again proven faithful in the gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) reminders that have touched my life the last couple of weeks. As I am sure many of you are now aware, I am a cathartic writer and find my external processing to be, for a lack of a better word, healing. I hope, in some way, shape or form, that this catharsis might be helpful for you.

For the last several months, I have had what I like to call the "woe is me" complex complete with self-pity, loathing of current life circumstance, and all around misery. It was never my intention to get to that place, but lo and behold, there I ended up. I now have a Master's degree in Human Services Counseling (if you would like an explanation, feel free to ask!), and I just kept waiting for the magical door to open up that would lead me to my bright and glittering future filled with candy land and flashy lights. Okay, it wasn't quite that extravagant, but it was close! And therein, my dear friends, lies the problem. All I did was wait.

I am a very active person and have always been that way. Sitting for long periods of time (unless I am shamelessly binge-watching Gilmore Girls) tends to drive me bonkers. So, in this period of "waiting," I had successfully found a way to drive myself nuts without even realizing it. Over the last couple of weeks, I have had some pretty awesome God conversations with some very incredible friends. Through the process of sharing life with the incredible support network I have, God has been so faithful to remind me that I have spent way too much time chasing my call instead of my Caller, and in doing so, I have been blinded to the countless opportunities right here and now staring me in the face.

When you go to Bible school, they don't necessarily have classes on getting rid of the rose-colored glasses so many of us approach ministry with. They don't necessarily tell you that you might not step into the ministry of your dreams right off the bat, but that's okay. The one thing I do remember being told was to first and foremost chase God. Sure, that sounds hunky dory and all, but I just knew that the brightly labeled door to my future would swing wide open with pomp and circumstance to greet me. As I found out in a not so pleasant way, that's not quite how that worked out. However, the truth that was given to me in my undergrad hit me upside the head in such a beautiful way the last several weeks. I am not instructed to chase my call; I am instructed to chase the One who calls. In all reality, this really simplifies life. Instead of worrying about what door will open or when it's going to happen, there is such rest in knowing that I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing: chasing Him. Part of my writing process is knowing that I have a visible reminder when I want to go into crazy mode again. Now I know that this transitional season will still have ups and downs, but I am thankful to be reminded of such simple yet powerful truths. I am thankful for friends who will walk with me and let me ramble on for hours as I process through what God is speaking into my life.

Speaking of friends, I have really talented ones who preach sermons that I can now look back and watch from time-to-time. This particular message was about finding purpose in my process. How true this has been for my life. As I look back over the last year, I see nothing but opportunity. I have a great group of teenagers that I get to hang out with on a weekly basis who seem to enjoy my company. What a treat! I have spoken to several youth groups and in front of an ENTIRE STATE of youth a message that God so timely placed on my heart. There is opportunity all around me, and it is time to stop waiting and embrace the life that God has given me right here and right now. Do I still believe in the calling on my life? Absolutely. Do I believe in chasing God more? You better believe it. Of the many things I have learned about God, His faithfulness is something I am constantly reminded of. It is time for me to stop squandering (and whining) and know that I serve a God so much greater and bigger than myself. If you're feeling lost and not sure of what God is up to in your life or when your magic carpet ride into the future is going to come, I encourage you to stop chasing "it" and start chasing Him. Scripture tells us that God works everything for the good of those who love Him, and while this is not quite contextually accurate, I believe it still holds validity. This season really is difficult, and there is unfortunately not a manual for post-graduation blues. However, there is a God who sees and cares and holds us in the palm of His hand.

Psalm 8:4 - "What is man that you are mindful that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?"

Who am I? I am God's kid. My whole heart and devotion belongs to Him.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

In Him,
Em

Transition.

Per the excellent advice of my dear friend Steph, I am taking this opportunity to flesh out my thoughts and feelings regarding this particular stage of my life. This is raw honesty, so I completely understand if you wish to move right along to the next exciting item that comes across your newsfeed. J Otherwise, feel free to read right along!

Transition. Sometimes it flat stinks.

As many of you know, I just recently finished my Masters degree this past July and have been seeking God’s next step for my life. With seemingly little to show for it, my search has come back empty time and time again. Every time someone asks how the job hunt is going, I feel the weight of having no idea what my future holds. (I genuinely appreciate all interest in what I am up to in my life! This is just honesty time. Also, joking about staying in Wichita makes me want to pull my hair out…just so everyone is clear! I know no one means any harm by it, it just feels like added weight for a girl who is already feeling so burdened.) Now, I know in the absolute depths of my heart and soul that God has got this. I know His will and His timing are divine and completely perfect; however, this does not mean my human self does not get frustrated or wonder what in the world is going on.

This all really came to a head for me last week when a job I had been pursuing told me they were going to go in a different direction. I am a dreamer by nature, and I put my whole heart and soul into whatever it is that I am chasing after. I often get swept up in the endless possibilities and let the ever-present realities slip out of my scope. Oftentimes, this ends up leaving me utterly heartbroken and disappointed. This, dear friends, is exactly what happened when I received the email telling me my experience was not quite what they were after. This job seemed like such a perfect opportunity for me, and I knew that it could open so many other doors. The rejection was such a crushing blow, and I did not even realize it would have the impact it did. This past weekend is the lowest I have felt in such a long time, but it made me deal with my own expectations in light of eternity. It is so easy to get wrapped up in chasing the dream that I forget about the One who gives me the dreams and desires. I know with all my heart that God has called me to something much higher than myself, and it’s not for me, but for Him. My degree will serve me in more ways than I could ever imagine, and even though I cannot see all the colors on the canvas, I trust the One who holds the brush. Yes, I am discouraged. Yes, I feel the weight of not having any clue as to where to go or where to look, but I will rest in the One who has always held me.

In this difficult time, I am blown away by the support I have standing with me, beside me, and behind me. Everyone says they have the best friends, but I am 100% confident that I really and truly do. I am so appreciative of being allowed to be a human who hurts and bleeds just like everyone else. Pain and frustration are very real, and I am thankful for the opportunity to work through every emotion and thought that comes with the ups and downs of life. Now, please don’t take this blog as a sympathy plea. I really debated about even posting this for everyone’s eyes, but as someone who believes in therapeutic release (thanks, counseling degree!), I needed this. I will be okay, and I know there are so many bigger fish out there to fry. This is just the current mountain staring me in the face.

This past week, God has really been reminding me to seek Him first and pursue Him with all that I am and all that I have. Jesus speaks to this in Matthew: “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:33, ESV). Even when I can’t see the light or the end to this winding road, I know God is right there…when the path gets rocky, when I can’t find my footing, when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. He is and will always be all I need. I know He is preparing something, but I would just ask that you pray with me for patience and rest. While I know all these things, I am only human, and my humanity has been in full force these last few days. God’s patience and grace never ceases to amaze me, even when I have hit empty.

So, if you want to know how the job hunt is going, it’s rocky. However, I am going to continually chase after the One who has my whole life mapped out. He will continue to reveal in His timing, and above all, I know He will continue to be faithful. No matter how many times I lay at His feet broken, defeated, and crushed, He will always be faithful.

Per the advice of another dear friend, I have been listening to Thirst by Phil Wickham on repeat. Maybe you’re like me and need to be reminded of a God who completely satisfies:

“Wash over me like a tidal wave

Clean out what pulls me to the grave

Nothing left that You don’t love

Take me where Your river flows

Heal the desert in my soul

Let it wash over my feet

All I’m asking for is just a drink

I thirst for You

Yes my soul it thirsts for You

Even as the deer is panting for the stream

Even while my soul is thirsty

I thirst for You”

Thanks for letting me ramble.

In Him,

Em

Following the Breadcrumbs

I am a little over three weeks away from officially completing my program, and let me just tell you, it's an amazing feeling! Being on Regent's campus was such a wonderful experience, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is exactly how I was supposed to spend my last 10 months. I have learned, I have grown, and most importantly, I have gained a greater understanding of who God is and how he is at work in my life and in the world around me.

Now that I am (almost) done with my Master's, the age-old question of what next is coming at me from every which direction. I have some very big dreams and some very strong passions, but for now, I will just follow the breadcrumbs.

Over the last few weeks, I have been sending resumes all over the country. What a scary yet exhilarating feeling!! More often than not, I am being redirected to new ministries and new people to contact. Just as an example, my resume has made a paper trail from Virginia Beach all the way to Wisconsin! While nothing has led to a job, I feel myself going down a winding road that will lead me to somewhere beyond my wildest dreams. No, I have absolutely no idea where I am going next. No, I have absolutely no possible job leads at the moment. Yes, I do serve a God who is directing every step and will lead me to the right door. God has been telling me to just follow his breadcrumbs. No matter how many times I am directed and then redirected, I know that God is doing a work in my heart and life. I have no idea where this trail will lead, but I trust that God is faithful.

Do I have my anxious moments? Of course I do. I am only human. However, if I have learned nothing else, God seems to be much more about the journey than about the destination. I am thankful for the chance to gain a deeper understanding of the God I serve and to experience his little bits of encouragement along the way. Every new contact feels like a brand new horizon that has endless possibilities. I am looking out at the twisting, curving road ahead of me, and even though I do not know where I will land, the adventure is thrilling.

As I wait and trust, God is reminding me to be faithful in where I am. Being in Wichita is no mistake nor is it just something to tide me over. I am here for a reason, and for however long I am here, I want to make the most of every moment.

So, if you ask me what's next, some version of this post is what I will tell you. While it's nothing concrete, I know that the end result will be far beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. If you think about it, pray for me. Even though I know that God has this all under control, prayers act as support and encouragement in the times I need it most.

I'll keep you posted. :)

In Him,
Em

The Beauty of the Cross

It has seemingly been forever since the last time I rambled, so here I am, ready to ramble on!

In a little over two weeks, I head out to the land of oceans and unbelievable scenery to hug the necks of some of my very dearest friends. Oh, and I guess I need to do the school thing while I'm there. I cannot believe that Residency is almost here, and that in a little over three months, I will have completed my Masters. That, my friends, is unreal.

This journey has been one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had. I have always believed in the beauty of counseling and have seen its power at work many times in my life and in the lives of others. However, my heart for it has grown in ways that I did not even know possible. Through the assignments and projects, God has equipped me with some tangible tools that I know will help me in my future endeavors (whatever they may be)! While it has been an exhausting (both emotionally and mentally) ride, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had His hand on this.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you have just fallen in love with God all over again? That is what the last eight months have been, and they have been unreal. During my Spring Break (I'm really going to miss those when I go back to the real world), I read an amazing book called The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler. I feel as if every single person should pick up a copy of this book and give it a read. It took me forever to get through just because I oftentimes sat and marveled at how awesome of a God we serve. Outside of the Bible, I have never read a book that has been more convicting, encouraging, overwhelming, and awe-inspiring, and I know it will impact your life.

In Chandler's book, he brings us back to the simple yet profound basis of our Christian faith: the cross of Jesus Christ. Now, if you're like me, you have heard about Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection for like ever. I was in Christmas plays, Easter plays, the whole works. This is a story I have heard so many times that I cannot even count. Because of this, its power became all too familiar to me. One of my greatest role models once told me that familiarity breeds complacency, and sadly, I had become complacent with the saving power of the cross of Jesus Christ. However, as I read the pages of this book, the beauty of that gift came alive to me again. As tears poured down my face, it was like I was experiencing my salvation for the first time. I know that I am a sinner and have just as many human flaws as the next person. I know that I do not deserve God's grace. And here came Jesus...a perfect, spotless lamb, who took on flesh and humbled himself, so that I could have a way to spend eternity with Him. We oftentimes remember that God is a God of love and all those other warm, fuzzy qualities that make us want to do little jigs of joy. However, we seem to forget that God is also a God of wrath, justice, and righteousness. God had to make his perfect justice, righteousness, wrath, grace, mercy, love, etc., come together and they did just this through the blood of Jesus Christ. There is nothing that made God choose to do this. He doesn't need us. I think that's another downfall of our lovely human nature; we sometimes think we are indispensable when it comes to Kingdom plans. This is far from true because God is self-sufficient, and that makes this choice even more beautiful. God loved me that much to let my selfish, sinful nature be reconciled and redeemed through the blood of His Son. Let the gravity of that hit you because it's powerful. That is what Christianity is. I pray we never lose the power of that gift for it is the foundation of our very faith.

I have also been marveling at the creation of God. The Explicit Gospel draws attention to the fact that God's redemptive plan goes far beyond just you and me; this is a global thing. All of His creation is inwardly groaning for the day when full restoration will come. I am such a nature freak, and God speaks to me in amazing ways when I am surrounded by the beauty He created. However, every beautiful sunset I see, every mountain peak I marvel at, every expansive ocean that blows my mind is only a fraction of the fully restored beauty that will be when Christ returns. I do not know about the rest of you, but that blows my mind and completely excites me. It also makes me feel really small. If nothing else, God has reminded me of the importance of humility and the absolute majestic and awe-inspiring nature of who He is.

Easter is just around the corner, and I challenge you, don't ever let the gravity of the gift of the cross slip away from you. Take a moment to step outside and marvel at the beautiful world God has given you and find hope in the fact that this is only a glimmer of the ultimate beauty that is to come.

This was a long one, but since I was avoiding reading about counseling teenagers (woah, buddy!), I figured I'd spill out some thoughts.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

In Him,
Em

Happily Ever After

During a discussion with my young adult group on relationships, my mind started whirring with millions of little thoughts. Because writing has always been therapeutic for me, I thought I’d jot (or type) some of the down.

Like most other girls, I am completely enthralled by a good love story. Set me with up with The Notebook, a box of Kleenex, and some chocolate, and we have the makings of an exceptionally awesome Friday night. Anyone who knows me even moderately well would also know that I am HIGHLY addicted to a current TV series called Once Upon a Time. I have been intrigued with Disney princesses since an early age, and I love watching them each get their happily ever after. My favorite growing up was Ariel, and much to my delight, her story-line is now incorporated into this fairytale world. What’s my point?

Hollywood has disillusioned us to reality.

Do I believe in love? Yes. Do I believe that couples can have happy endings? Yes. Do I believe it’s all magic and roses? No.

The one aspect of Once Upon a Time that I have always loved is that the characters have to fight for their happy ending. Unlike most representations of fairytale love stories, it isn’t just handed to them on a silver platter. While there are several unrealistic qualities (like the whole show in general – don’t hate, it’s awesome), I have always appreciated the writers’ need to incorporate some sense of real life.

In our young adult discussion, the principle of infatuation was brought up. As with seemingly every Hollywood story, this is the basis of what our society deems as a good romance. The characters meet, fall head over heels, and in the case of my beloved Ariel and Eric, are married within days. This may also contribute to the lack of successful marriages we seem to be witnessing. What is meant to be a beautiful and holy union has been turned into a circus act. If it isn’t convenient or appealing within a few months (the infatuation has left), let’s just call it quits and find something else that tickles our fancy.

What are we teaching the younger generation?

Like many others, I have been ensnared by the false reality of what my fairytale would look like. I envisioned my knight in shining armor coming in the room, our eyes meeting, and instantaneously knowing that this was the man of my dreams. We spend so much of our lives looking for these fleeting feelings that we forget what a beautiful romance is founded on: God.

In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, we are given many descriptions of what love is. To name a few, love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not self-seeking, it does not delight in wrong, etc. Nowhere in there does Paul say love is built on fleeting feelings and emotional highs that last only a short time. Love is built on a solid foundation of mutual respect and a deep and unbelievable awareness of the need for God. It always troubles me when couples are engaged within months because I wonder if the fleeting feelings have been given a chance to make way for a solid friendship and partnership. So often we see that Hollywood’s kind of love is anything but patient, kind, not proud, not self-seeking, not boastful, and not delighting in other’s wrongs; Hollywood’s version seems to be just the opposite.

In my very limited experience, I have seen many couples experience a lot of hardship after the euphoria has gone away. The couples that have lasted seemed to have a relationship built not on emotions and impulsive feelings but on respect, partnership, and a grounding in God. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in enjoying the moment that we forget to include God in the decision. In watching our short video at group the other night, the speaker reminded us that next to accepting Christ, picking who you are going to marry is the most important decision. I don’t know about you other single people, but I want a love built on something that’s going to last.

Do I think I know it all? Absolutely not. I am nowhere close to having this “love” thing figured out. However, I am trying to learn all I can so as to not let myself be swept up in fantasy world that doesn’t exist.

Will I continue to watch sappy love stories? You better believe it. I still get lots of entertainment out of them. But, that is just what their purpose should be. Entertainment. As much as I love me some Prince Eric and Ariel, I am going to base my relationship on the stuff that will last.

Am I making an announcement? No, I’m sure not. I am not dating anyone, and I am perfectly happy with that. Singleness is certainly far from a curse, and I am enjoying every blessing that comes with this season. But, whenever God deems fit, I will be reminding myself of a forever love that surpasses any and all Hollywood imagination.

Thanks for letting me ramble!

In Him,
Em

The Heart of a Counselor

Have you ever experienced one of those seasons in your life when you know without a shadow of a doubt that you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be?

I am joyously experiencing one of those very seasons.

As I have started school again, it's amazing to me how quickly I've gotten back into the routine: study, eat, study, gym, study, sleep, study, have a small semblance of a social life, study, and repeat!

Many people have asked what exactly it is that I'm going back to school for. In a very uncomplicated and short response, I will receive many of the foundational skills presented in counseling so I can integrate it into a ministry setting. I want to be able to really help those I come into contact with, and this is a great place to start. It has already been completely enlightening and eye-opening. I have discovered so much more about myself and about the amazing God I serve.

If you want to get me on a forever tangent, just ask me why I think counseling is even important. I know in many Christian circles it has not always been well received. So, if I may, humor me (or just choose to move right on away from this page!) while I list just a few reasons:

1) Counseling is Biblical - Reading through my texts, the themes of redemption, reconciliation, and healing jump out from so many of the pages. That, my friends, is the whole point of counseling, and it's also all over the Gospel. Counseling is meant to be a place to really work through many of the hurts and difficulties people face and discover the redemption, reconciliation, and healing given to us on that cross over 2,000 years ago. Ephesians tells us to bear each other's burdens and let me tell you, people carry a lot of weight. We are meant to be in community with one another. There is something so encouraging about sitting down across from someone and knowing that they truly care about helping you find the healing God has for you. I am also reminded that this world (including the very people I wish to help) are so affected by the fall. People go through many hardships and not all of those are a direct result of someone's sin; sometimes bad things just happen because we live in a fallen world. However, as Christians, we have hope. Hope can be that glimmer of light when everything else seems completely dark.

2) Counseling is Liberating - Some of you are rolling your eyes right now, and that's okay. But, I'm telling you, counseling was one of the most liberating experiences I've ever had. As I sat across the room from a wonderful woman named Kerry at Evangel University, I saw the love of Christ in a way that was completely refreshing to me. As I discussed many issues (and oftentimes with shame), Kerry listened with love and helped me really believe that I could find freedom in Christ again. She showed me that shame was a tool of the enemy and that God wanted more for me. Does counseling have all the answers to all of life's hardest questions? No. But, we serve a God who does. I have read time and time again of the importance of being Spirit-led, and I'm telling you, healing can and does happen when Christian counselors allow God to work.

3) Counseling is a Tangible Expression of God's Love - Does God need humans to do His work? No, but He chooses to use us. It is no different in the realm of counseling. God has made us to be relational beings who long for connection. Counseling can open that door. We are taught (even in the secular realm of counseling) to be empathetic, to actively listen, and to show people that they are being heard. Does this mean we don't challenge and try to help uncover Biblical solutions? Of course not. However, there is something to feeling understood and genuinely cared about. One of my least favorite questions has to do with whether or not I've prayed about something. Granted, I need the reminder from time-to-time. But in that moment, I just want someone to listen and hear me out. I don't need advice. I don't need to be told what to do. I just need someone to believe that I am a capable human being who can let God help her discover the best for her life. It's easy to offer quick fixes but making someone feel understood requires an investment. I have friends that are also counselors, and every time I finish talking with them, I feel refreshed, encouraged, capable, and challenged to continue working towards God's best for me.

I'm not saying counseling is an end all to the world's issues. I'm also not saying that there aren't some flawed and not Godly concepts out there. But if the Church isn't willing to reach out to the needs of a lost and hurting world, who will? Tangible expressions of love such as giving and serving are vital and important. However, I think we forget that sometimes people also just need authentic love. Counseling can open that door. Does it need to be Spirit-led? Yes. Does it make me want to have a deeper relationship with God? Yes. I have discovered a new love of God and His word through this program. I know my heart is in counseling, but I'm not going to be as effective as I need to be if I'm not diligently pursuing my relationship with Christ. Counseling isn't just about feelings (even though it's an important part); it's also about action. I for one feel honored that God thinks I'm up for this. I want to be a person available to talk about the hard issues no one ever talks about. I've heard so many stories (myself included) of people being afraid to open up about what they're struggling with. We keep it in the darkness so no one has to know our garbage. Then, the enemy comes in and wrecks it. Satan can't distort things in darkness if we let the light of Christ bring healing.

I know this was quite the tangent, and if you read it all, props to you! I still have a lot to learn and nowhere near think I know it all. I just know this world needs some more ears. It's time to talk about the hard stuff and remind people that they are never alone. This world needs its counselors.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

In Him,
Em